As a Lower School Division Head and a school psychologist, we have spent years talking with students, teachers and families about the thing that can make school feel magical: friendships. Some of childhood's most tender memories live there. The playground games. The inside jokes nobody else understood. The quiet relief of being picked to join in, and the deeper realization underneath it: I belong here.
That sense of belonging does not happen by accident. It is built, skill by skill, across childhood and educators play an important role in that development.
In the earliest years, friendships often happen simply because of proximity. Children become “best friends” because they sit near each other, share a classroom routine, go to the same dance studio, live on the same street, play on the same soccer team or see each other all the time because their parents are friends. At that age, friendship is mostly play, and play is the language.
As students move through elementary school, friendship becomes more intentional. They start choosing who they spend time with, and with that choice comes the real work of belonging: cooperation, empathy and early problem-solving. This is also often when children first encounter a need to independently engage in repair work. A disagreement on the playground becomes a chance to practice apology, accept responsibility and offer compromise, skills that will matter far beyond childhood.
By the tween years, friendship carries more emotional weight. Loyalty and identity are closely tied together, and a friend's opinion can feel like a verdict. Students are figuring out who they are while also figuring out where they fit, and both projects are happening at once.
As adults, we can often sense where a friendship is heading before a child does. It is worth remembering that friendships, like children, are not fixed. They shift over time, and it is normal for students to drift toward different people as their interests and needs change.
Belonging is not simply the absence of conflict, and it is not built by conflict-resolution skills alone. It starts earlier than that: noticing who is on the outside of the group and inviting them in, sharing something real about yourself so others can know you and feeling genuine happiness when a friend succeeds. Those are the skills that create belonging in the first place.
Then comes what happens when friction shows up: listening, flexibility, an honest apology and the willingness to compromise. These are not separate from belonging; they are what keep it intact.
Every child will face unkindness at some point. How we respond, as educators, can change everything.
One effective strategy is to stay open and let the student lead. Simple, non-leading questions do a lot of work:
Paired with simple validation, "That sounds hard," or "I can see why that bothered you," this approach does two things at once. It tells the student their experience is real, and it hands them back a sense of agency. Then you can move toward support and problem-solving: “Let’s think about what you can do if it happens again.”
The aim isn’t interrogation. It’s listening, helping and handing children back a sense of agency. Resilience grows when trusted adults teach coping skills, practice communication and help students learn how to navigate relationships.
Elementary and middle school are where lifelong social patterns take root. The role of educators is to help students learn early on how to navigate relationships with empathy and care. A skill that they can carry into every relationship that follows.
Belonging is not a byproduct of good friendships. It is the outcome of specific, teachable skills, and educators are uniquely positioned to nurture it.